1st June, 2003. 10:02 pm. thingie to fill out
:Does your name mean anything?: surely but i dunno
:Were you named after anyone?: you!!! and a DD bra ;)
:Nickname(s): jussy, j man, jus, shithead, mr stud, good in bed
:Screenname(s): fat kiddy (CAUSE IM FAT)
:Date of birth: 12.17
:Place of birth: cambridge mass
:Current location: new hampshire, in the scary woods *shivers* hold me...
:Shoe size: 13
:Hair color: brown
:Eye color: lighter than before, i think *takes out my eye ball*
:What do you look like?: uhhh a girl with big tits, oh thats my father, wait no i look the samed
:Righty, lefty, or ambidextrous?: both...too lazy to type that out
:How old are you mentally?: TWO and a HALVE (i mispelled on purpose u donkey)
:Describe yourself in 5 words: short, fat, awesome buns, a woman with huge tits
:What are your worst qualities: i had sex with your mom
:What are your best qualities: my ass and tits
Do You Have...
:Any sisters: hmmm had..
:Any brothers: 1 real
:Any pets: yep
:A disease: syphilis
:A pager: no
:A personal phone number: cell and house line
:A leather jacket with studs on it?: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what?
:A heroin needle: YES AND ITS MINEEE.... i mean... no.. YES... no SHUTUP
:A pool or hot tub: yup
:A Car: a couple......
:Personality: super ultra gay like a superhero gay
:Driving: race car driver... take me on i'll win
:Car or one you want: i have it :) but... i want a more pimped out one
:Room: cluttered but empty i need a girl...in my bed hahaha
:School: i dont go hahahah rebel
:Relationship with your parent(s): one parent and HES A DICK
:Believe in yourself?: on mondays
:Believe in love at first sight?: how long is this "sight"
:Consider yourself a good listener: in bed...naked... about to have sex if i listen then get cake afterwords, yes...
:Consider yourself a good friend: yeppers veddy good in bed
:Get along with your parents: NO
:Save your e-mail or conversations: not really
:Pray: i have
:Believe in reincarnation: no
:Like to make fun of people: of course hahaha
:Like to talk on the phone: yeah sure im quiet at first tho
:Like to drive: HELL YEAH MOFO
:Get motion sickness: no.... unless u cant drive
:Eat chicken fingers with a fork: noooo
:Dream in color: yes, of... well... nevermind
:Type with your fingers on home row: HAHAHA home row i thought it said homerun i'm a fuckin retarded monkey.
:Sleep with a stuffed animal: yeah a lot... teehee *continues to laugh like a little girl*
What Was/Is (or Are)...
:Right next to you: a lot of shit, dont ask mother fuck...
:your room: HUH?? i got lost in this question
:On your mouse pad: mmmmmmmmmm my mouse?
:Your dream car: lexus :)
:Your dream date: no comment...
:Your dream honeymoon spot: warm area, comfy sex plac....er bed
:Your dream husband/wife: no comment....
:Your bedtime: uhhhh i rebel til midnight
:Under your bed: 3rd grade stuff prolly and the boogie man... uhhh *runs away*
:The single most important question: how do my breasts look wet,in a pool, under a white see thru shirt???????????????
:Your bad time of the day: while im sleeping
:Your worst fear(s): being alone, andddd spiders...
:The time?: 10:16
:The date?: 6/1/03
:The best trick you ever played on someone?: i tol my teacher i got kidnapped at the hotel on a class field trip, well i told someone else too and he believed it and called the cops and we had to explain to 4388282 ppl that it never happened
:The weirdest food or drink that you like?: vodka, swigged out of a bottle
:The hardest thing about growing up?: being alone... can we drop this i like the humor not the sad stuff
:Your funniest experience: dane cook... mmmm.
:Your scariest moment?: finding out that my sister had a disease and they didnt know what it was
:The stupidest thing you've said?: "how do you drink?"
:The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex?: i sang, infront of the whole school a song i knew she liked, it was a dumb song but i did it anyways as a freshman... i never got the date but i did get a threatening note the next day... arrr.
:Craziest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s)?: no comment, but it involves me, a bra, make up, tucking and a camera....and a street corner...
:The worst feeling in the world?: being alone
:The best feeling in the world?: knowing you have the perosn you love forever.... well thats what it used to be...
:Color: baby blue
:Song: third eye blind - blinded or smashing pumpkins - believe
:Movie: anything scary
:Food: fetechunni alferdo
:Band: ehhh gc
:Class: i graduated so fuckin long ago
:TV Show: simpsonsss
:Radio Station: 104.1 or 94.5
:Flower: rose or lily
Love + Relationships...
:Do you have a bf/gf?: ha... no except my right hand
:Do you have a crush?: yes - 2
:How long have you liked him/her?: uhhh no comment
:Why do you like this person?: they're nice and cute and stuff
:If you're single...why are you single?: i'm a loserrr thats whyyy
:If you're not single... give details...:
:How long was your longest relationship?: FOUR YEARS :(
:How long was your shortest relationship?: a week...
:Who was your first love?: cirah
:What do you miss about them?: secret.
:Last thing you heard: erin telling me to call her back?
:Last thing you saw: ":Last thing you saw:"
:Last thing you said: "":Last thing you saw""
:Who is the last person you saw?: beth
:Who is the last person you made out with?: secret
:Who is the last person you hugged?: lizzy
:Who is the last person you fought with?: my brother
:Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: erin
:What is the last TV show you saw?: rocko's modern life the fucking coolest show ever
:What are you wearing?: wife beater and boxers
:What are you doing?: this survey
:Who are you talking to?: myself.....hahaha
:What song are you listening to?: smashing pumpkins - believe
:Where are you?: my roooooom
:Who are you with?: no one except the elf on my shoulder...
:How are you feeling?: sad - :(
:Are you in a chatroom?: no...what the hell, random??
:What day is it tomorrow?: monday
:What are you going to do after this?: talk on the phone
:Who are you going to talk to?: beth or erin
:Where are you going to go?: shift my right cheek of my ass thats the move
:How old will you be when you graduate?: i graduated
:What do you want to be?: ehhhhhhhh non alive
:What is one of your dreams?: to have a goo gf
:Where will you be in 25 years?: dead
Have You Ever...
:Had sex?: uhhhhh
:Done anything illegal?: yes
:Wanted to die?: yes
:Hit someone?: yes
:Do you write in cursive or print?: depends on the "job"
:What piercings do you have?: ear
:Do you drive?: hell yeahhhh
:Do you have glasses or braces?: nope, sunglasses
:What do you most like about your body?: my stomach....
:And least?: huh my tits
:How many fillings do you have?: none hahaha
:Do you think you're good looking?: no
:Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: yeah
:Do you look like any celebrities?: no... id unno???
:Do you wear a watch?: yep fossil
:How many coats and jackets do you own?: 3...im a piiimp
:Favorite pants/skirt color?: khaki
:Most expensive item of clothing?: my tux... i bought...
:Most treasured?: my teddy bear my mom and sister picked out togehter for me... uhh no one knows that.,,,
:What kind of shoes do you wear?: adidas or vans... i thinks
:Describe your style in one word: laid back
:How long does it take you get ready in the mornings: 2mins unless i uck with the hair
19th May, 2003. 6:35 am. life is stupid
Six of the most important years have seemed to go to waste admist planning a future with the person I spent them with. Literally two days away from sealing a deal to move to my destiny, my fate, and then fate kicks you in the ass. Do I regret it? Do I want to take back the past? No.. maybe this was the way things were meant to be. Maybe amongst this pain I'm supposed to find that perpetual bliss everyone raves about. I can't seem to find it. Maybe god lied, and its not there.
She never meant to hurt me, but I can see how much she really liked this other guy, while giving me lies about how she didn't. We were engaged, we were in love, we had the whole world in our fingertips... and now that's gone. What's love if love isn't there, is it there? I don't know anymore. She told me after admitting about everything that she loved me. ME.... why me? I'm nothing special, you're average guy who works and dropped out of college to make a living because they live alone. I'm 19 and I feel like life has thrown this switchback curve and I'm stuck on the road heading straight for that doing 90. I feel as if I'm 5 and being thrown into adulthood and all I want is to crawl back into my mother's wombs, safety... that's the only safe place there is in this world. Other times i think I would be better off dead but I'm not going to give this world that satisfaction...
Tomorrow I would've sealed the deal. Tomorrow I think I'll send back everything of hers I have, everything I can't even stand to look at. I'll send her that diamond ring and move away, run away from my problems ONCE AGAIN. I wish I could stay but I'm afraid I've been hurt too badly this time. Why me? I'm the one who played girls awhile ago... now I'm getting played. Is this her sick revenge to get me back? I never meant to hurt anyone I just knew they weren't the one and I couldn't tell them that. I never cheated on her... never played her... never led her on. I loved Cirah and I wouldn't have done that to her. I've cried for about 12 hours straight off and on... no... I'm not weak. Its like losing my mom all over again, only I know that I could have Cirah back... but she won't take me and it'll never be the same again, I can't have my mom.
That's the worst feeling in life... knowing you can have someone, but the reality is you won't... you know they're out there, the were once yours... but they're gone for good and everyone else can have them. No one can have someone who's passed away. I guess this is my last true goodbye to livejournal, and to my life which I have now. I don't know where I'm going, somewhere far away... i can't be here anymore I can't take the pain. I never based my life around Cirah, she was just the biggest part of my life. It could compare to having your whole family die and you're left alone.... you have nothing, nothing left in life it feels. Yeah, I work(ed).... yeah, I have friends and a house and dogs and a car.... so what? materialistic object don't make me happy and 3 friends aren't making me happy. SHE DID, she always could.... Now, I have to find someone else to fill that void, and I don't want to.. Goodbye I guess. Why do I always screw up? One moment of perpetual bliss with her and I would've been happy. Elated.... I guess I came too late.