justin (whoring) wrote,

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where is everything supposed to go now?

Throughout 19 years of my life, believing has gotten me nowhere. I've believed in many thing, hoped and honestly worked notions into my head that they were true. Tell me after 19 years of believing things and finding out that everyone of those beliefs were false doesn't kill you. I wasn't lied to... more or less misled by my ambitions and the fact that I pushed her and myself into this illusion of perfection that really was never meant to be for her. I wanted to find my princess and that was it, I didn't want to find anyone else. She, well she wasn't ready for that and I kind of pushed her. Believing what you think is true isn't always the best thing to do; all it can do is set you up for heartache and push the other person away. In this process, you will find that you will make the others care so much about you if they are a genuine person and they'll be afraid to hurt you. That brings me to my next topic.

When people are afraid to tell you the truth because they are SO afraid to hurt you, is that a lie? And if so, is it a white lie? Can it go down as the biggest asshole stunt ever? No. I don't know what else to think right now. I have no emotions as of now, I'm just kind of dead inside. I'm glad she finally told me, but I really thought she loved me the way I loved her. But that's fate and believing for you. It never works out perfect like the movies. She won't suddenly realize how "great" i am because the truth is... i'm not that great, and that's never my luck.

"just like the pessimist always says, 'the cup is not half full' as far as he sees there's nothing left in the cup" I know that someday we'll be close again as friends. I know that someday this pain will stop... but I want that day to come now. I keep telling myself just to get over her, but it's really not that easy. She's the greatest person I've had in my life so far and I've lost that. Yes, it's probably my fault... always is. So now I'm sliding toward that perpetual happiness I've been believing in. Maybe beliefs will take me somewhere this time.
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May 20 2003, 19:08:52 UTC 13 years ago

The only thing i would suggest believing in.. is yourself.