justin (whoring) wrote,

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life is stupid

Six of the most important years have seemed to go to waste admist planning a future with the person I spent them with. Literally two days away from sealing a deal to move to my destiny, my fate, and then fate kicks you in the ass. Do I regret it? Do I want to take back the past? No.. maybe this was the way things were meant to be. Maybe amongst this pain I'm supposed to find that perpetual bliss everyone raves about. I can't seem to find it. Maybe god lied, and its not there.
She never meant to hurt me, but I can see how much she really liked this other guy, while giving me lies about how she didn't. We were engaged, we were in love, we had the whole world in our fingertips... and now that's gone. What's love if love isn't there, is it there? I don't know anymore. She told me after admitting about everything that she loved me. ME.... why me? I'm nothing special, you're average guy who works and dropped out of college to make a living because they live alone. I'm 19 and I feel like life has thrown this switchback curve and I'm stuck on the road heading straight for that doing 90. I feel as if I'm 5 and being thrown into adulthood and all I want is to crawl back into my mother's wombs, safety... that's the only safe place there is in this world. Other times i think I would be better off dead but I'm not going to give this world that satisfaction...
Tomorrow I would've sealed the deal. Tomorrow I think I'll send back everything of hers I have, everything I can't even stand to look at. I'll send her that diamond ring and move away, run away from my problems ONCE AGAIN. I wish I could stay but I'm afraid I've been hurt too badly this time. Why me? I'm the one who played girls awhile ago... now I'm getting played. Is this her sick revenge to get me back? I never meant to hurt anyone I just knew they weren't the one and I couldn't tell them that. I never cheated on her... never played her... never led her on. I loved Cirah and I wouldn't have done that to her. I've cried for about 12 hours straight off and on... no... I'm not weak. Its like losing my mom all over again, only I know that I could have Cirah back... but she won't take me and it'll never be the same again, I can't have my mom.
That's the worst feeling in life... knowing you can have someone, but the reality is you won't... you know they're out there, the were once yours... but they're gone for good and everyone else can have them. No one can have someone who's passed away. I guess this is my last true goodbye to livejournal, and to my life which I have now. I don't know where I'm going, somewhere far away... i can't be here anymore I can't take the pain. I never based my life around Cirah, she was just the biggest part of my life. It could compare to having your whole family die and you're left alone.... you have nothing, nothing left in life it feels. Yeah, I work(ed).... yeah, I have friends and a house and dogs and a car.... so what? materialistic object don't make me happy and 3 friends aren't making me happy. SHE DID, she always could.... Now, I have to find someone else to fill that void, and I don't want to.. Goodbye I guess. Why do I always screw up? One moment of perpetual bliss with her and I would've been happy. Elated.... I guess I came too late.
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