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justin's Journal

4th June, 2003. 8:03 pm. i used to know the sound of a smile in your voice

not to quote a song but,

"Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can
Become strangers
But I don't want that
No, not for you
If you just stay with me, we can make it through
Here we are again
The same old argument
And I'm wonderin'
If things'll ever change, yeah
When will you laugh again?
Laugh like you did back when?
We'd make noise til 3 AM and the neighbors would complain"

Well, now that i'm over that I will go back to my usual self. Today I dwelled on the past for awhile and found out that doing so does nothing for your self-esteem and can only bring me down. I don't mean to be a downer but for some reason I'm not as upset as you probably think I am. I'm actually quite content qith my life right now, I've kinda of found myself admist all this "pain" and I figured I could quit my bitchin'. I went to a softball game today, it was awkward because I saw all the old friends of mine I thought I would never want to see again, and suprising enough I was very happy to see them, and them me. Most of my friends don't understand the meaning of growing up and changing into a druggy isn't for the best, it's weird I didn't recognize a lot of my old friends because they were all washed out and I looked burned out (emotionally) myself. My ex-gf from middle school ran up and jumped on me and hugged me, it was awkward... espcially since beth, the stalker girl (lol), was there and got really jealous. I don't know what to do now... 2 days ago nobody wanted me, now all the weird girls do...... that's all for now...

Current mood: flirty.

(6 rants * bitch)

2nd June, 2003. 11:20 pm. "my skin! my beautiful skin!!"

I've been thinking a lot lately - about life. I've figured out that I'm too consumed with worrying about everyone else's problems I seemed to have forgotten about my own. Suddenly, it all hits me and I'm stuck admist all my problems and it's overwhelming me and consuming all my thoughts. I wish I could go back to the days where all I worried about was everyone else. I kinda lost my thought with this so I might edit it later, but this is all for now.

Haha - I'm watching the simpsons it's a good one. I love the simpsons and everybit of comedy I watch because it takes my mind off the bad things haha.

Current mood: sleepy.

(bitch)

1st June, 2003. 10:02 pm. thingie to fill out

:Name: justin
:backwards: nitsuj
:Does your name mean anything?: surely but i dunno
:Were you named after anyone?: you!!! and a DD bra ;)
:Nickname(s): jussy, j man, jus, shithead, mr stud, good in bed
:Screenname(s): fat kiddy (CAUSE IM FAT)
:Date of birth: 12.17
:Place of birth: cambridge mass
:Current location: new hampshire, in the scary woods *shivers* hold me...
:Religion: cathOlic
:Height: 6'
:Shoe size: 13
:Hair color: brown
:Eye color: lighter than before, i think *takes out my eye ball*
:What do you look like?: uhhh a girl with big tits, oh thats my father, wait no i look the samed
:Righty, lefty, or ambidextrous?: both...too lazy to type that out
:How old are you mentally?: TWO and a HALVE (i mispelled on purpose u donkey)
:Describe yourself in 5 words: short, fat, awesome buns, a woman with huge tits
:What are your worst qualities: i had sex with your mom
:What are your best qualities: my ass and tits

Do You Have...
:Any sisters: hmmm had..
:Any brothers: 1 real
:Any pets: yep
:A disease: syphilis
:A pager: no
:A personal phone number: cell and house line
:A leather jacket with studs on it?: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what?
:A heroin needle: YES AND ITS MINEEE.... i mean... no.. YES... no SHUTUP
:A pool or hot tub: yup
:A Car: a couple......

Describe Your...
:Personality: super ultra gay like a superhero gay
:Driving: race car driver... take me on i'll win
:Car or one you want: i have it :) but... i want a more pimped out one
:Room: cluttered but empty i need a girl...in my bed hahaha
:School: i dont go hahahah rebel
:Relationship with your parent(s): one parent and HES A DICK

Do You...
:Believe in yourself?: on mondays
:Believe in love at first sight?: how long is this "sight"
:Consider yourself a good listener: in bed...naked... about to have sex if i listen then get cake afterwords, yes...
:Consider yourself a good friend: yeppers veddy good in bed
:Get along with your parents: NO
:Save your e-mail or conversations: not really
:Pray: i have
:Believe in reincarnation: no
:Like to make fun of people: of course hahaha
:Like to talk on the phone: yeah sure im quiet at first tho
:Like to drive: HELL YEAH MOFO
:Get motion sickness: no.... unless u cant drive
:Eat chicken fingers with a fork: noooo
:Dream in color: yes, of... well... nevermind
:Type with your fingers on home row: HAHAHA home row i thought it said homerun i'm a fuckin retarded monkey.
:Sleep with a stuffed animal: yeah a lot... teehee *continues to laugh like a little girl*

What Was/Is (or Are)...
:Right next to you: a lot of shit, dont ask mother fuck...
:your room: HUH?? i got lost in this question
:On your mouse pad: mmmmmmmmmm my mouse?
:Your dream car: lexus :)
:Your dream date: no comment...
:Your dream honeymoon spot: warm area, comfy sex plac....er bed
:Your dream husband/wife: no comment....
:Your bedtime: uhhhh i rebel til midnight
:Under your bed: 3rd grade stuff prolly and the boogie man... uhhh *runs away*
:The single most important question: how do my breasts look wet,in a pool, under a white see thru shirt???????????????
:Your bad time of the day: while im sleeping
:Your worst fear(s): being alone, andddd spiders...
:The time?: 10:16
:The date?: 6/1/03
:The best trick you ever played on someone?: i tol my teacher i got kidnapped at the hotel on a class field trip, well i told someone else too and he believed it and called the cops and we had to explain to 4388282 ppl that it never happened
:The weirdest food or drink that you like?: vodka, swigged out of a bottle
:The hardest thing about growing up?: being alone... can we drop this i like the humor not the sad stuff
:Your funniest experience: dane cook... mmmm.
:Your scariest moment?: finding out that my sister had a disease and they didnt know what it was
:The stupidest thing you've said?: "how do you drink?"
:The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex?: i sang, infront of the whole school a song i knew she liked, it was a dumb song but i did it anyways as a freshman... i never got the date but i did get a threatening note the next day... arrr.
:Craziest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s)?: no comment, but it involves me, a bra, make up, tucking and a camera....and a street corner...
:The worst feeling in the world?: being alone
:The best feeling in the world?: knowing you have the perosn you love forever.... well thats what it used to be...

Favorite...
:Number: 4
:Color: baby blue
:Day: friday
:Month: june
:Song: third eye blind - blinded or smashing pumpkins - believe
:Movie: anything scary
:Food: fetechunni alferdo
:Band: ehhh gc
:Season: summer
:Sport: hockey!!!!!!!!!!
:Class: i graduated so fuckin long ago
:Teacher: nooooooo
:Drink: smirnoff
:Veggie: uhhhhhhhhh
:TV Show: simpsonsss
:Radio Station: 104.1 or 94.5
:Store: pacsun?????
:Animal: cow
:Flower: rose or lily
:State: fl

Love + Relationships...
:Do you have a bf/gf?: ha... no except my right hand
:Do you have a crush?: yes - 2
:How long have you liked him/her?: uhhh no comment
:Why do you like this person?: they're nice and cute and stuff
:If you're single...why are you single?: i'm a loserrr thats whyyy
:If you're not single... give details...:
:How long was your longest relationship?: FOUR YEARS :(
:How long was your shortest relationship?: a week...
:Who was your first love?: cirah
:What do you miss about them?: secret.

The Past...
:Last thing you heard: erin telling me to call her back?
:Last thing you saw: ":Last thing you saw:"
:Last thing you said: "":Last thing you saw""
:Who is the last person you saw?: beth
:Who is the last person you made out with?: secret
:Who is the last person you hugged?: lizzy
:Who is the last person you fought with?: my brother
:Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: erin
:What is the last TV show you saw?: rocko's modern life the fucking coolest show ever

The Present...
:What are you wearing?: wife beater and boxers
:What are you doing?: this survey
:Who are you talking to?: myself.....hahaha
:What song are you listening to?: smashing pumpkins - believe
:Where are you?: my roooooom
:Who are you with?: no one except the elf on my shoulder...
:How are you feeling?: sad - :(
:Are you in a chatroom?: no...what the hell, random??

The Future...
:What day is it tomorrow?: monday
:What are you going to do after this?: talk on the phone
:Who are you going to talk to?: beth or erin
:Where are you going to go?: shift my right cheek of my ass thats the move
:How old will you be when you graduate?: i graduated
:What do you want to be?: ehhhhhhhh non alive
:What is one of your dreams?: to have a goo gf
:Where will you be in 25 years?: dead

Have You Ever...
:Drank?: yes
:Smoked?: yes
:Had sex?: uhhhhh
:Done anything illegal?: yes
:Wanted to die?: yes
:Hit someone?: yes

Etc...
:Do you write in cursive or print?: depends on the "job"
:What piercings do you have?: ear
:Do you drive?: hell yeahhhh
:Do you have glasses or braces?: nope, sunglasses

Self-Evaluation...
:What do you most like about your body?: my stomach....
:And least?: huh my tits
:How many fillings do you have?: none hahaha
:Do you think you're good looking?: no
:Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: yeah
:Do you look like any celebrities?: no... id unno???

Fashion...
:Do you wear a watch?: yep fossil
:How many coats and jackets do you own?: 3...im a piiimp
:Favorite pants/skirt color?: khaki
:Most expensive item of clothing?: my tux... i bought...
:Most treasured?: my teddy bear my mom and sister picked out togehter for me... uhh no one knows that.,,,
:What kind of shoes do you wear?: adidas or vans... i thinks
:Describe your style in one word: laid back
:How long does it take you get ready in the mornings: 2mins unless i uck with the hair

Current mood: listless.

(bitch)

1st June, 2003. 9:36 pm.

it's always good to reminisce, memories are the essence of the person you are today. so whenever I can't think of a journal entry, i guess i'll just...reminisce right now:

i remember when times in my life weren't so perfect and i had to pull with every last ounce of energy to get out of the rut that i was stuck in. somehow i pulled through and i got out. i won't go any further than that... i was reading poetry i wrote 5 years ago that i was head over heels in love with and i thought it was the best poetry anyone could ever write, now, i feel it's crap. crap that really makes no sense at all. i thought to myself when i go back and read the crap i've written lately, is that going to be more shitty, what's going to happen? it's so weird how one day we feel this way then the next it's total reversal of the day before... it's like in years we have this total bipolar relapse and then switch back to what we were like before. what's going on inside my head????


wow i just got side tracked, i'm goig to steal a quiz thingie from erin... i will post that next.

i know it seems impossible... everything is impossible these days...jennifurrr

Current mood: creative.

(bitch)

28th May, 2003. 5:40 am. still envying you, while you're screaming in the background

i've come to realize something in the past 3 months, and that's that I can't lose what I have with people... the ties, the friendships, thos elong talks late at night. Overall however, I can't lose myself. The one time I think I'm down and out and want nothing more then to ditch the two friends I had left and throw away my personality, and MY life... I realized... me... i needed me and to find my true needs. The unselfish ones.... i'm sorry for those i hurt, the next post will make more sense and will be longer.

Current mood: rejuvenated.

(2 rants * bitch)

20th May, 2003. 6:42 am. where is everything supposed to go now?

Throughout 19 years of my life, believing has gotten me nowhere. I've believed in many thing, hoped and honestly worked notions into my head that they were true. Tell me after 19 years of believing things and finding out that everyone of those beliefs were false doesn't kill you. I wasn't lied to... more or less misled by my ambitions and the fact that I pushed her and myself into this illusion of perfection that really was never meant to be for her. I wanted to find my princess and that was it, I didn't want to find anyone else. She, well she wasn't ready for that and I kind of pushed her. Believing what you think is true isn't always the best thing to do; all it can do is set you up for heartache and push the other person away. In this process, you will find that you will make the others care so much about you if they are a genuine person and they'll be afraid to hurt you. That brings me to my next topic.


When people are afraid to tell you the truth because they are SO afraid to hurt you, is that a lie? And if so, is it a white lie? Can it go down as the biggest asshole stunt ever? No. I don't know what else to think right now. I have no emotions as of now, I'm just kind of dead inside. I'm glad she finally told me, but I really thought she loved me the way I loved her. But that's fate and believing for you. It never works out perfect like the movies. She won't suddenly realize how "great" i am because the truth is... i'm not that great, and that's never my luck.


"just like the pessimist always says, 'the cup is not half full' as far as he sees there's nothing left in the cup" I know that someday we'll be close again as friends. I know that someday this pain will stop... but I want that day to come now. I keep telling myself just to get over her, but it's really not that easy. She's the greatest person I've had in my life so far and I've lost that. Yes, it's probably my fault... always is. So now I'm sliding toward that perpetual happiness I've been believing in. Maybe beliefs will take me somewhere this time.

Current mood: confused.

(1 rants * bitch)

19th May, 2003. 6:35 am. life is stupid

Six of the most important years have seemed to go to waste admist planning a future with the person I spent them with. Literally two days away from sealing a deal to move to my destiny, my fate, and then fate kicks you in the ass. Do I regret it? Do I want to take back the past? No.. maybe this was the way things were meant to be. Maybe amongst this pain I'm supposed to find that perpetual bliss everyone raves about. I can't seem to find it. Maybe god lied, and its not there.
She never meant to hurt me, but I can see how much she really liked this other guy, while giving me lies about how she didn't. We were engaged, we were in love, we had the whole world in our fingertips... and now that's gone. What's love if love isn't there, is it there? I don't know anymore. She told me after admitting about everything that she loved me. ME.... why me? I'm nothing special, you're average guy who works and dropped out of college to make a living because they live alone. I'm 19 and I feel like life has thrown this switchback curve and I'm stuck on the road heading straight for that doing 90. I feel as if I'm 5 and being thrown into adulthood and all I want is to crawl back into my mother's wombs, safety... that's the only safe place there is in this world. Other times i think I would be better off dead but I'm not going to give this world that satisfaction...
Tomorrow I would've sealed the deal. Tomorrow I think I'll send back everything of hers I have, everything I can't even stand to look at. I'll send her that diamond ring and move away, run away from my problems ONCE AGAIN. I wish I could stay but I'm afraid I've been hurt too badly this time. Why me? I'm the one who played girls awhile ago... now I'm getting played. Is this her sick revenge to get me back? I never meant to hurt anyone I just knew they weren't the one and I couldn't tell them that. I never cheated on her... never played her... never led her on. I loved Cirah and I wouldn't have done that to her. I've cried for about 12 hours straight off and on... no... I'm not weak. Its like losing my mom all over again, only I know that I could have Cirah back... but she won't take me and it'll never be the same again, I can't have my mom.
That's the worst feeling in life... knowing you can have someone, but the reality is you won't... you know they're out there, the were once yours... but they're gone for good and everyone else can have them. No one can have someone who's passed away. I guess this is my last true goodbye to livejournal, and to my life which I have now. I don't know where I'm going, somewhere far away... i can't be here anymore I can't take the pain. I never based my life around Cirah, she was just the biggest part of my life. It could compare to having your whole family die and you're left alone.... you have nothing, nothing left in life it feels. Yeah, I work(ed).... yeah, I have friends and a house and dogs and a car.... so what? materialistic object don't make me happy and 3 friends aren't making me happy. SHE DID, she always could.... Now, I have to find someone else to fill that void, and I don't want to.. Goodbye I guess. Why do I always screw up? One moment of perpetual bliss with her and I would've been happy. Elated.... I guess I came too late.

Current mood: crushed.

(bitch)

28th April, 2003. 6:25 am. it felt like a one night stand that last for four years.

isn't it funny how sometimes when you're upset you say shit you don't mean? this tends to happen late at night for me, almost like i don't think it through enough. in my mind those words came off to be great powerful song lyrics to her they made her quiet like me and i knew i had screwed up. i never meant it that way, in my head it wasn't bad just painful to me and i wanted to express my pain. but what could i do? i said it and that just killed her. we're ok now i guess still berely talking and even when we do it's awkward now.

i'm getting into old sublime again (i say that like theres a new sublime), and rap more and more. it's almost as if i'm that wigger that everyone hates. my favorite song righ tnow is caress me down by sublime... if you don't know this song i suggest you download it and if you do know it i'm sure you love it.

this weekend was kind of awkward, i spent time with friends but it didn't feel right i felt like i had direction in my life and they, they were just freecaring life away. still smoking pot, not doing homework, being the bad asses that i once was. and for once in my life i saw that that's what i never had wanted to be. i always wanted to be that serious guy that knew where he was going and who he wanted in life. if you know what i'm talking about you know that as a kid it's impossible to act like that, and it feel weird from both views (yours and your friends)

that's all for now.

Current mood: crushed.

(1 rants * bitch)

23rd April, 2003. 9:43 pm. hmmm ponder

I’m a big believer in fate (which is something of a slackers guide to life) and feel if I wait around long enough something will happen. That’s the way it has been in the past.

(1 rants * bitch)

15th April, 2003. 2:56 pm. Excuse the bitchin'

I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling
'cause feeling is pain
As everything I need
Is denied me
Everything I want
Is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame
Nobody but me

Cirah and I broke up. Yup, I am now upset but I know it's best for her, that's why I pushed it. I'm going out drinking tonight bye.

(1 rants * bitch)

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